Thursday, November 7, 2013

How many days am I allowed?

It's been one week since my dreams with Virgin America were squashed and taken from me. In fact, I think right about this exact time, one week ago, I was standing in the parking lot, after being ESCORTED from the building (how embarrassing), crying and in shock and wondering what the hell I was going to do now.

Seven days later, I'm still wondering.

This past week has been filled with a lot of tears, a lot of "what ifs," and a lot of "what nows." Several people have been calling, emailing, texting, and though I really do appreciate them all, I haven't responded to most because I just don't know what to say. Yes, it sucks. Thank you for telling me you feel sorry and bad for me (as bleh as that makes me feel to hear, I know you mean well). No, I'm not exactly okay. Yes, I'm sure it all will work out for the best. And no, I have no clue what "the plan" is now because it's only been a week and can I just take a week to not plan a thing?!

Deep breath.

I've gotten quite good at hiding the evidence that Virgin America ever existed in my life in the first place. I shoved all of my uniform pieces into the deep, dark depths of my closet and I tossed all of the note cards and notebooks filled with safety practices and procedures in the trash can, never to be seen again. Out of sight, out of mind, yes? (not really.)

Sometimes I get really happy with my new situation. Well, okay, maybe "happy" is pushing it. But I get a newfound sense of peace with how things panned out because now there is so much more time to do things I've been wanting to for so long! Things like take a photography class and once and for all learn how to work that damn F Stop and Aperture setting. Perhaps I'll take a writing class? Maybe I'll train for another marathon. (Ha, who am I kidding, I probably won't be doing that anytime soon. Or ever.)

But most of the time, I've just been trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about it at all. I scrubbed the kitchen floor like a mad woman, I do the dishes every day (and knowing me, that's crazy talk right there), I've played more Candy Crush than I'd ever like to admit, I meet up with anyone and everyone who will (and let me tell you, mid-day meet ups are hard to come by these days because well, my friends have JOBS), and I've been working out like crazy. Just kidding. That's a total lie. I have not worked out ONCE. You hear that? Not once. I blame it on the depression.

Which brings me to the title of this post.

How many days am I allowed to feel sorry for myself? How many days am I allowed to feel mopey and sad? What's the rule? When is it unacceptable? Sometimes I'll stop myself in the middle of my whining to The Dizzle and I'll apologize to him because lord knows it's not fun to listen to someone's complaining. And like the good man that he is, he'll tell me that apologies are not necessary and that it's okay to feel how I want to feel. (Bless his heart, but if I had to listen to someone cry for 7 days, I don't think I'd be as patient.)

I don't want to be upset and sad. I want to try and see the positives. But I'm just so damn bummed and angry and hurt and disappointed, and I can't deny it. Sometimes, when I'm talking to people, I'll just make light-hearted jokes about the situation because if I can't laugh, then I'll just cry. And no one likes a cry baby.

So. Here's where I'm at.

One week later, I'm still hurting, if I'm being honest here, though I'm sure you grasped that fact from this post. However, I do know that I have every right to choose my happiness and create the life I want. I'm not about to be that person who blames the world for their mistakes or unhappiness. I take full responsibility for this situation and I take full responsibility for how I am choosing to feel about it. And though I want to be positive and upbeat and excited about life (and I'll get back to that place soon enough), perhaps I just need a few more days (or weeks) to not do anything except play some more Candy Crush, drink my Pinot, and cry about losing this job I was so thrilled about. No apologies necessary.


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  1. I say take as much time to feel sorry for yourself! You are allowed the situation is crappy. Hugs!

  2. I think you need to set a limit, because self wallowing about can become easy to do if you don't pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on. When I was suffering from infertility for years, I had to check the pity parties a lot. When AUnt Flo came every damn time (or went MIA, that was shitty, too) for two years, it was hard not to be a depressed mess. Towards the end of it, I had to set limits. I gave myself two days to feel bad, and that was it. It was tough love, but I had to be strict. Everything suffered when I went down the dark rabbit hole, and that's not fun. So, I say set a done date of pity and have some goals ready to obtain. Until then...drink up! Hahaha

  3. I wish I lived closer and we could meet up! Take your time, girl. Knowing your up beat self, you'll be back to figuring out your next move in no time.

  4. This may sound strange, but I'm taking a psychology class titled the psychology of death and loss. And before you delete my email thinking I'm some crazy person trying to psychology you, just wait! Haha. This job was something you wanted a lot and were really passionate and happy about, and now that it's gone it's a loss. The main thing I have learned is that we cannot put time limits on how long we grieve. I think the most important thing is that you do have someone who you can talk to about it, no matter how long it takes and no matter how much you cry. Sounds like the Dizzle is the perfect guy. :)

    1. I was going to say something similar, Emily! I think this is great advice... we all take different times to mourn!


    2. I was thinking the same thing. Well put Emily :) Sending hugs to you Mish! XOXO!

  5. I don't think there's a limit. Feeling sorry for yourself is okay as long as it doesn't get in the way of the rest of your life. Just knowing that one day you want to feel good again is a good sign. You seem lying in bed all day errday feeling like garbage... you're meeting up with people when you can, etc. You may always grieve this loss but that doesn't mean you won't get on with the rest of your life anyway! :)

  6. Everything happens for a reason! You'll find a silver lining even though you may feel like you're in a bad situation now. And it's totally okay to feel sorry for yourself because that's how we heal. Good things for going to happen to you! And at least now you'll get to spend more time with the boyf!

  7. Since every comment above me is encouraging Ill break the mold and say put on your big girl pants and dance. Road abc leads to xyz. Get out enjoy your time off and wait for your next move to present itself.

  8. Remember how miserable you were at PB Kids? Remember when you finally decided enough was enough and decided to go out and do something different of your life? You already know you can do it.

  9. Michelle, thanks for sharing where you're at. As your reader, I love to hear & know how you're doing. Thanks for being honest, raw and real. Even in you're moments of "weakness" that vulnerable and raw writing is inspiring and encouraging to others. I won't say "There are great things in store for you!" (haha I already sent you an email saying that, haha, sorry.) but I will say, thank you for sharing with us pieces of your life and being so real while doing it. I know, as you've said, its embarrassing.. and I know it can't be easy sharing it for the whole wide web to read... but know that most of us readers are your cheerleaders and are mourning with you & hope the very best for you. :)

  10. Let me just tell you that I still feel like crap regarding a similar situation that happened to me last November. I don't think there's a time limit on feeling bad, and you obviously know that you don't want to feel like this forever but you are allowed as many dang days, weeks, months as you want. It's part of the healing process & I know it sucks! But you are so lucky that you have a wonderfully supportive man to turn to :)

  11. I agree with everyone else. Take the time you need. You had the rug pulled right out from under you without any warning! No one can blame you for being in a funk! I think you're the type of person who knows when enough is enough, and in due time you'll get right side up. Hang in there babe!!



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