I was just dreaming that I was back training with Virgin America. They were giving me one last chance to pass training and be a flight attendant with them. We were all in a big room, about to start our final exam. I was upset though because I had been gone for a few weeks and wasn't able to learn any of the study material, so I was trying to explain to the instructor that there was no way I would pass when I wasn't able to study beforehand. And the instructor just stared at me with a look of disgust and said, "You just looooveee to complain, don't you?" I was flustered and trying to explain myself without looking defensive, but I couldn't get the words out and instead just looked like an idiot. A frustrated idiot.
Then I woke up.
Last night, The Dizzle asked me how I was feeling about the whole situation now that it's been 4 weeks. He then cautiously asked, in the most gentle way ever, "Do you have a plan in mind?"
Well, yes? No? Maybe? Tentatively.
I told myself that I just want to get through the rest of the year without having to stress or make definite plans. I want to get through the holidays and relax a little. I've always been one to have a plan, to know what my next steps were. But right now, I just want to not have to plan and stress and think so hard. Am I brainstorming a few things? Sure. Am I putting my feelers out for a few possibilities? Sometimes. So it's not like I'm just laying in bed all day (though, there can be large portions of my day when that does happens), doing nothing. I am getting out with friends, I am getting to the gym, I am cooking dinner and cleaning this little box of ours, I am blogging, and reading, and yeah, okay, sometimes an hour goes by that I'm playing Candy Crush, but I'm not moping anymore. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I am just....embracing my current life situation that happens to not be all that busy.
Do I have a set in stone plan yet? No. Not yet. But I want to feel like that's okay for now. Sometimes when I get the text messages or questions of, "So, what's your plan?" I want to yell, "I don't know yet!" I know it's always seemed like I've had it together before, always had that secure job, or I was traveling around the world, or I was training for that marathon, but as for right now, I don't. And right now, I'm going to choose not to feel guilty about it.
With that said, do I feel like humans function better when they live a life with purpose and productivity? Absolutely. I don't think life should be wasted away, doing nothing, and not living for anything. What's the point in that? But I don't think that a JOB is the only way to live your life with purpose or productivity. Does that make sense? So for now, I will not just jump back into a corporate job that makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I also will not just lay in bed every day, doing nothing with my life. But I will take a little time to continue brainstorming and thinking about things that will truly make me excited and happy again.