Let's pretend I'm stretched out on a comfy couch (I've never been to therapy, but that's what I imagine it to be like). I have one arm over my eyes and I take a deep, frustrated breath.
You, the therapist, ask, with your smart spectacles on, notebook in one hand, and the other under your chin (again, never been, but that just feels right), "So, Michelle, tell me what's on your mind?"
And then I'll unleash this:
Well, Miss Therapist Lady, lately, my weekday mornings have been going a little something like this:
-I wake up to my Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" alarm song, and although tired, I feel ready for the work day.
-As I'm in the shower, The Dizzle will wake up too and then ask me what I'd like for breakfast.
-As he making me eggs and turkey bacon, I'll be doing my make-up and getting dressed for the day.
-Then, we'll sit down and have a quick breakfast together.
-Everything is swell.
-I then look at the clock and realize I only have about 15 minutes until I need to leave the house so I can catch the bus for work.
-I start to get a little tense. I start to quicken my pace. I start to feel a tad flustered.
-The sweet Dizzle that he is gets my to-go coffee mug ready for me because he knows I'm in a hurry.
-I see the dishes sitting dirty in the sink. I feel agitated by that.
-I start to feel a tad irritated about having to go to work and seeing that he gets to stay home all day.
-I get snippy with The Dizz.
-Then, as I'm leaving, I (sometimes) apologize because I know my attitude came out of left field, and I just can't quite explain why it happened.
"Mmm hmm....And how does that make you feel?"
Well, Miss Therapist Lady, it makes me feel very confused!
Here is this sweet man who makes me coffee and breakfast every morning so that I can have time to eat and get ready for work. I mean, who does that?!
He does the laundry while I'm gone during the day.
He cooks me dinner when I get home.
He's doing so much for me and I'm so thankful and can't believe just how amazing he is.
So why the hell am I taking my frustrations out on him?
What am I even frustrated about?
Why is it that we do that in life, project all our frustrations onto the one person that means the most to us?
That doesn't seem fair, if you ask me.
"So what do you think is causing these feelings of frustration?"
Oh, I don't know, Miss Therapist Lady. I'm having a hard time figuring that out.
Here's the thing. I like my job. I really do.
But I don't like the feeling of being tied to my job.
I don't like the feeling of having to go to this place for 40 hours/week because if I don't, then I can't pay the bills.
And I know the majority of people are in the same situation. And this is life. And I need to suck it up. And blah blah blah.
But I just can't stop comparing this life to what it was just a few short months ago.
When every day was wide open and I was free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
I got to hang out with my best friend everyday and have fun and play and be young and responsibility free.
Now HE gets to stay home and work on the things he's passionate about while I have to go to an office and work all day long.
"Mm hmm. Mm hmm. But Michelle, didn't you want this life you're living now? Didn't you decided, together, that you were going to stop your travels and start a new life in the city?"
Yes. Yes I did. Which is why I'm so confused with my feelings.
I wanted this. I missed family. I missed America. I wanted to have a place to call home with my boo.
And so I did just that. And it's been great. And it's been exciting.
So what is it?
Why these random moments of irritation and upset feelings?
Am I resentful?
Am I regretful?
Is this what depression is?
Am I just PMS-ing this week?
(I am by the way.)
Another deep breath.
And that's where I don't have the therapy voice in my head anymore.
And this is when I leave this post to go have a glass of wine. (Who am I kidding, several glasses of wine.)
Conclusion: I think it's okay that I am still freshly thinking of my life abroad (even though I sound like a broken record and it's already been 3 months since coming back). Especially because it was something so crazy and wild and something I never thought I'd do and an experience I'll never forget. However, I don't think I should be constantly comparing my life to that life, because A) I'll probably end up disappointing myself more so than not and B) they're just not comparable. They are two very different situations that can be equally exciting if I make it.
So what I do want to do is wake up with a feeling of gratitude.
Gratitude towards my situation and towards this man in my life that continually amazes me with his selflessness.
I want to remember that nothing is permanent, therefore, I should embrace and enjoy my present before that, too, is gone before my eyes.
Therapy session over and out.
Thanks for listening.