Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Therapy Session With Mish.


Let's pretend I'm stretched out on a comfy couch (I've never been to therapy, but that's what I imagine it to be like). I have one arm over my eyes and I take a deep, frustrated breath.

You, the therapist, ask, with your smart spectacles on, notebook in one hand, and the other under your chin (again, never been, but that just feels right), "So, Michelle, tell me what's on your mind?"

And then I'll unleash this:

Well, Miss Therapist Lady, lately, my weekday mornings have been going a little something like this:

-I wake up to my Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" alarm song, and although tired, I feel ready for the work day.
-As I'm in the shower, The Dizzle will wake up too and then ask me what I'd like for breakfast.
-As he making me eggs and turkey bacon, I'll be doing my make-up and getting dressed for the day.
-Then, we'll sit down and have a quick breakfast together.
-Everything is swell.
-I then look at the clock and realize I only have about 15 minutes until I need to leave the house so I can catch the bus for work.
-I start to get a little tense. I start to quicken my pace. I start to feel a tad flustered.
-The sweet Dizzle that he is gets my to-go coffee mug ready for me because he knows I'm in a hurry.
-I see the dishes sitting dirty in the sink. I feel agitated by that.
-I start to feel a tad irritated about having to go to work and seeing that he gets to stay home all day.
-I get snippy with The Dizz.
-Then, as I'm leaving, I (sometimes) apologize because I know my attitude came out of left field, and I just can't quite explain why it happened.

"Mmm hmm....And how does that make you feel?"

Well, Miss Therapist Lady, it makes me feel very confused!
Here is this sweet man who makes me coffee and breakfast every morning so that I can have time to eat and get ready for work. I mean, who does that?!
He does the laundry while I'm gone during the day.
He cooks me dinner when I get home.
He's doing so much for me and I'm so thankful and can't believe just how amazing he is.

So why the hell am I taking my frustrations out on him?
What am I even frustrated about?
Why is it that we do that in life, project all our frustrations onto the one person that means the most to us?
That doesn't seem fair, if you ask me.

"So what do you think is causing these feelings of frustration?"

Oh, I don't know, Miss Therapist Lady. I'm having a hard time figuring that out.
Here's the thing. I like my job. I really do.
But I don't like the feeling of being tied to my job.
I don't like the feeling of having to go to this place for 40 hours/week because if I don't, then I can't pay the bills.
And I know the majority of people are in the same situation. And this is life. And I need to suck it up. And blah blah blah.
But I just can't stop comparing this life to what it was just a few short months ago.
When every day was wide open and I was free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
I got to hang out with my best friend everyday and have fun and play and be young and responsibility free.
Now HE gets to stay home and work on the things he's passionate about while I have to go to an office and work all day long.

"Mm hmm. Mm hmm. But Michelle, didn't you want this life you're living now? Didn't you decided, together, that you were going to stop your travels and start a new life in the city?"

Yes. Yes I did. Which is why I'm so confused with my feelings.
I wanted this. I missed family. I missed America. I wanted to have a place to call home with my boo.
And so I did just that. And it's been great. And it's been exciting.
So what is it?
Why these random moments of irritation and upset feelings?
Am I resentful?
Am I regretful?
Is this what depression is?
Am I just PMS-ing this week?
(I am by the way.)

Another deep breath.

And that's where I don't have the therapy voice in my head anymore.
And this is when I leave this post to go have a glass of wine. (Who am I kidding, several glasses of wine.)

Conclusion: I think it's okay that I am still freshly thinking of my life abroad (even though I sound like a broken record and it's already been 3 months since coming back). Especially because it was something so crazy and wild and something I never thought I'd do and an experience I'll never forget. However, I don't think I should be constantly comparing my life to that life, because A) I'll probably end up disappointing myself more so than not and B) they're just not comparable. They are two very different situations that can be equally exciting if I make it.

So what I do want to do is wake up with a feeling of gratitude.
Gratitude towards my situation and towards this man in my life that continually amazes me with his selflessness.
I want to remember that nothing is permanent, therefore, I should embrace and enjoy my present before that, too, is gone before my eyes.

Therapy session over and out.

Thanks for listening.

Wine time.

xoxo


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20 comments:

  1. oh my goodness...i had a similar feeling after returning from a semester abroad (i can only imagine how much worse it is the longer you're away). don't be like me and and spend the next six months wishing you were somewhere else, because you might miss out on some of the best experiences at home like i did. lesson learned.

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  2. Figure out how you can have that traveling abroad life and work towards it. You can put up with anything if you know you can reach your goal and are working towards it. Make it happen. And just because you chose to settle down with a job and a home doesn't mean you can't ever change your mind and do something else if this isn't working out the way you thought it would. We always have a choice.

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  3. :) This post right here was our exact feeling before we moved abroad! I know Korea wouldn't be your choice for a port into the rest of the world....but there are plenty of other places you can work and travel! I know THAILAND for example, has a great ESL program too! :)

    I know you're super happy with your new job, new house, and yoga mats. Butttttt...just sayin'. The world awaits!

    -Amanda | Living in Another Langauge

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  4. Mish, I think we should chip in for those therapy sessions together coz I feel like I'm definitely on the same page as you. My hubby does the same thing as your Dizz, often making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for me, doing laundry and being generally awesome, but sometimes I can't help but snap or get frustrated with him. I guess I feel trapped because I know I'm working to pay the bills, I'm tied to that job, and if I quit then where's that money coming from? So when your therapist figures that out can you please pass on the advice. I'll repay in wine, whiskey, or awesome sushi! haha
    www.the-lifestyle-project.com

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  5. Always wine time.

    And you know what? I think all of that is completely to be expected. And if anyone tries to fault you for that, bop 'em over the head with an empty wine bottle (because if we've learned one thing it's that breaking a bottle over someone's face is a horrible waste of wine). Or... You know... Simply remind them to keep their negative opinions to themselves. Give yourself permission to get into the new swing of things - things will even out :) Keep at it, lady! You're amazing!

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  6. You gotta do what you gotta do and sometimes wine time is the best time. Really though; it HASN'T been that long since you got back. 3 months seems like a long time, but it really isn't in the grand scheme of your life (or even a year). And remember, you're both in the same place so I'm sure he can understand where you're coming from with the comparing. Get that wine. :)

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  7. It will take some time for you to get used to your new life as a grown up with responsibilities. I think EVERYONE would rather be traveling the world like you two lucky ducks did. Just be grateful you got to do it at all! I meant that in a nice way, not a rude way haha.

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  8. Mish, I think we ALL do that once in a while, being unreasonably mad at our men. It's not logical, but we have raging hormones inside us, and that's clearly not our fault.
    I think you're still in your adjustment period and it will get better in time - maybe try to take some weekend trips and explore new places you haven't seen yet? It might give you a little flashback to your glorious traveling days!

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  9. Frustration happens. I go through phases with my hubs that I just want to explode and like The Dizzle he is so GOOD to me. He stays up late and finishes laundry, he does daily chores, takes the dogs out, picks up their poop. He's a good man. Anyway I think that when you make big changes it's easy to feel uprooted and on edge. It'll pass and you'll get used to taking the bus and having a roommate that is in fact the man you love. It all will flow. You're awesome and all will go well.

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  10. I love Daft Punk's "Get Lucky", and I LOVE wine. I like your style! :)

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  11. Ah, I totally know how you feel! Going back to work after living a life of worries and spontaneity is the most confusing and smothering feeling ever at first. Don't worry though, soon you guys will be settled and you guys will strike a balance between work and travel... unless you become a full time travel blogger that is :)

    xxx
    Jenna

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  12. Aw I love that he's so good to you! Exactly what you deserve sister. I'm totally gonna be that awkward one and say it but I can't wait until he's your hubbs! ;) He's already a better husband than alot of men! 40 hour work weeks do suck.. it's true. Who can deny that?! BUT eyes on the prize girl. What are you working towards? Clearly you're not a work towards a career type... so what are you working for? Maybe it would be good for you to have some goals of why you're working {besides the bills}... Also, because I'm exactly like you and me and the hubs are painfully(painfully because we didnt budget for it so we can't go) learning this lesson this year--I think it's important for travel types, that get antsy easily, and yearn for adventure, to plan things every few months. It doesn't have to be a full out South East Asia vacation, but maybe a weekend at Lake Tahoe or a drive to Seattle for a few days.. Plan small things you have to look forward to, that helps motivate you and gets you through the work week, and budget for that. Thats my advice! Wow. Sorry. :) Serious comments are okay after therapy session posts, right?!

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  13. I had a lot of these similar feelings when I got back from my semester abroad in Australia. It's almost a little like culture shock or something I think. I think you make a good point though in saying that you have to make your life what it is. Even if you have to spend an 8 hour day working, make sure you use up the rest of those hours when you get off of work to your fullest potential! You're in a new city, so treat it like travel-- go new places and explore. Even having been in Baltimore for 6 years now, we still do that as much as we can because it keeps things interesting. I know you guys are a bit strapped for cash these days, but exploring new places doesn't have to cost much and can feel like an adventure.

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  14. I've been to therapy and you can lay on the couch if you want to! I hate the idea of work chains too. Like, I have to go to this place every single day and if I don't I don't get to have a house or clothes or anything. Sad but true. I've been jealous and snappy at Mj b/c he gets off so early and has every other friday off. By the time I get home all flustered at 5:30 he's been chilling since 3 something. ANNOYING!! Hang in there. Acceptance of what is becomes easier with time. Unless it doesn't and then you can decide how you want to handle it from there.

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  16. SerenaJuly 18, 2013 at 8:46 AM

    It took me a solid year (perhaps even longer) to get over my resentfulness of having to live in the "real world" after traveling for a year. I felt exactly like you did for a verrrrry long time. It's so hard to go from having one the best experiences in your life (to date - my year abroad is the best thing I've ever done), to working 40+ hours a week and only having your weekends to do the things you are passionate about. It was super depressing. But at some point along the way, and I have no idea when, something changed. Eventually I stopped being resentful and started realizing that I really loved the life I was currently living. Happy hours with friends, festivals in the park most weekends, food trucks, napa and sonoma, living by a wine bar, amazing food... and all of that? Well, even having to work to pay the bills, it's still not so bad.

    All of this is to say that what you're going through is totally normal :)

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  17. Nah... You don't need therapy my friend, you just need to accept you're in a different place in your life right now. A "Stay put place"... You won't be there forever, your free spirit won't allow that, and this free and wondering, and wanting spirit will be passed on to your kids, it will be amazing!
    You are where you need to be for right now, enjoy your journey.
    Tammy

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  18. I totally agree with taking all our frustrations out onto the one person that means the most to us. This happens to me like all the time. It's really unfair but i feel this way too. Well, going back i think it's normal and that you're okay, you're probably just adjusting and you'll get through it. I enjoyed your post by the way.

    - KathieRayAnnis.com

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  19. i give you a hell of a lot of credit for settling back into "real life". i can't imagine how you must feel going back to work, for a living, after the trip abroad. i could never do it. it being travel abroad for that long, and then come back to reality. it's admirable that you can admit to yourself that you are taking things out on the dizzle for no reason! i hope that you can work on this and start enjoying the small things, like the coffee to go and breakfast that he prepares for you :)

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  20. I think I've been in a similar sort of funk lately...maybe that's what happens after amazing trips? I usually come back so thankful, and greatful for all that I have here....but after a few weeks, I get frustrated and I do feel that sort of tied to/stuck feeling. Yuck. I also find that wine makes any day better :) That might be why we're friends lol :)

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