Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Sometimes you just have to suck it up....


....and go to the free clinic.

Especially when you're jobless. And especially, especially when you've been drinking straight up cranberry juice (sans vodka) for the past 4 days and it still hurts to pee and you still feel like peeing 25 times a day, if you catch my drift.

Come yesterday morning, I had had enough! A doctor was needed!
And because I still get all weird about calling doctors offices to speak to them about anything related to my hoo-ha, V Dizz oh-so graciously got on the phone for me, called the local "Free Clinic", and gently explained the "situation" with his girlfriend.

(I'm sure that was awkward for him, so I send many thanks to you, Boo. You da best.)

Fortunately, we were able to go in right away. So I made sure to pee one last cringing pee before we left the house and we hopped on the #24 bus to the #1 bus and made it there in 45 minutes.
(These are the times when I truly miss having my own car.)

Here's the thing about Free Clinics, in case you happen to have a job and/or that thing called health insurance and haven't had the luxury of experiencing said clinic yet:

There is a strong chance that your doctor will be a student resident, in his 20's, wearing jeans and a green sweater.

In fact, kind of something like this guy:

He will then pop his head out to the waiting room and call your name, without ever introducing himself to you.

So then, No-Name-Green-Sweater-20's-Doctor took me back to the ever-dooming SCALE.
He then asked me to step on, WITH shoes, so he could weigh me.
Then this crazy high number popped up and I almost told him to subtract about 6 pounds because we all know that someone's weight isn't accurate unless it's:

A) first thing in the morning
B) butt(buck?) naked
C) after a sizeable poo and
D) with NOTHING consumed yet

Am I right, or am I right?? But I kept my mouth shut and stepped away from the scale.

Sweater-Doc then took me to a private room and asked me to remove my jacket so he could take my blood pressure.

That's when I remembered I forgot to put on a shirt!

I was in such a hurry to get there that I left the house wearing just my yoga pants, zip-up hoodie, and fortunately a sports bra-ish thing.

So then I look at Doogie Howser and say, "I don't have a shirt on." <---??? I have no idea why I felt the need to say that. Especially when he then looked at me like this:


So then he laughed a little awkwardly and said, "It's okay. We keep things professional here."

So then I felt dumb.

And then I took off my jacket and sat there, in a bra, with my belly all free, feeling large and in charge after the whole inaccurate scale episode.
Fortunately, it was over pretty quickly and I was able to cover back up.

That's when he told me to pee in a cup.

And well, that's always just an awkward task anyway. I could go into details, but I'm sure you've all been there and know the messiness of that situation.


After that, I never had to see him again, because then a new, FEMALE, doctor came in to talk with me.
And that's when all of those personal questions came spewing out:

1. Are you sexually active?
2. When's the last time you had sex?
3. Is it a new partner or old partner?
4. How long have you been with said partner?

Yadda yadda.

THEN she said: "How often do you consume alcohol?"

In my head, I said: "Uhhh, every day?"

But instead, I lied and said: "About 3-5 times a week?"

So she asked, "And how many drinks per sitting? One? Two?"

And again, I wanted to say, "Five? Six?"

But of course, I didn't want to look like a complete alcoholic, so I replied, "Three? Four?"

I guess I didn't give the right answer because she gave me this look:


Then she told me that I should ONLY be having SEVEN drinks in ONE WEEK.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is she crazy? She must be joking.

But just so she wouldn't think I was a complete alcoholic, I made sure to respond with a few head nods and a smile so as to appease her.


I think it worked, because she dropped it.

Anyway, long story long: I got me some antibiotics! Free. Of. Charge!

I'm so very thankful those places exist, as awkward as they are. And okay, FIIIINNNEEE, maybe I'll try just a tad to lower my alco intake. I'm not a young buck of 22 anymore. Perhaps it's time I start thinking about that? Maybe. Perhaps. We'll see.

Aaaannnnddd on that note....
Happy Hump Day, friend. Make it a good one, ya hear?
And here's to hoping your humping doesn't lead to my situation.
^^^Perhaps I took it too far with that last sentence.^^^

xoxo


P.S. Just a few more days to get in on this!
P.S.S. Promo Code SUMMER15 to get 15% off all ad spots!


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39 comments:

  1. Lolz. Been there done that on the uti situation. Luckily i still have connections to some ER docs at my werk place, i just text my bff ER doc and be like "oh haaaayyy i gots a uti. Gimme them antibiotics". They should give you pyridium too for the burning (that makes your pee orange). Pound the water girl!!! Oh and just like my lame male workers would say "wipe front to back".

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  2. Hahhahaha I love these gifs to go along with your story. I know what you mean. I'm pretty sure that everyone lies about the drinks per week. I mean really, who has only 1 glass of wine in a sitting? Happy hour? No one.

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  3. I seriously just laughed the whole way through this post... I felt like I was there sitting next to you the whole time throughout this awkward adventure :) which made it even better!

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  4. spit take with this one. muchas gracias.

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  5. I love these random stories of your life!:-)

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  6. My husband was in a bicycle accident and had a concussion and when they asked how much alcohol he drank he remembered that a doctor friend had told him that medical-types automatically double whatever you tell them. So in his concussed state he thought he'd just go ahead and double it for them. He said "about 12 beers."

    They put him on detox meds.

    Also, you've got quite the keeper if he calls the clinic for you to talk about your UTI!

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  7. Your description of when to weigh was spot on! I couldn't have explained it better myself! :) Hope you start feeling better soon!!!!

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  8. That's the worst. Yay for free antibiotics! And The Dizzle - what a guy. Mine would NEVER do that.

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  9. I once had a doctor hand me a brochure for alocholics anonymous after being honest about how much I drink. She gave me the same look you got, left the room, and returned with brochures! I wanted to die. Needless to say, I know lie/downplay my alcoholic intake at every doctor appointment.

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  10. Yuck! I hate those awkward situations, too! Been there, done that! And lucky you to get him to call! I always feel like I have to whisper stuff like that, even if I'm alone while making the call!

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  11. this cracks me up. my brother and i have the same doctor. last time i was in he asked the alcohol question and when i told him that i don't drink, he didn't believe me. awhile back i brought my idiot brother in for dehydration and his throat was completely swollen. because he drank too way much alcohol and no water.

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  12. I hate when doctors shame you for the amount of drinking you do- and I, like you, definitely lowered that number for them!!

    Especially because I help cater my doctor's office work Christmas party every year...and they all get schwasted.

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  13. Hope you're feeling better, Honey. Wake up call for lowering alcohol intake???

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  14. Oh ma gosh!! This was hilarious! You poor thing. Luckily it all worked out ok. Hope your feeling better! :)

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  15. You seriously crack me up Mish! I laughed so hard when you said you didn't have a shirt on!

    xoxo aly

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  16. Omygoodness! All of these. Too funny!!

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  17. I just laughed so hard Molly almost fell outta my lap!

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  18. Oh man, I have had my fair share of those, so I hear ya! Something I've been doing for a few years now and seems to work miracles... instead of just drinking cran juice, buy cranberry PILLS... you can take like 3 at a time, so when you start feeling like it's coming on or your burning just a tad, go ahead and pop those babies in and maybe take another 3 later in the day and maybe the next day... That solution has cleared me up super fast! And on the alcohol... you may already do this, but maybe try to drink a beer, drink a glass of water, drink a glass of wine... then water, you get it! :) lol Happy Drinking and Burn Free Peeing! <<--- Maybe that was MY comment that went too far? lol

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  19. haha, I'm so awkward when it comes to going to the doctors about anything! I hope you feel better soon!

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  20. So the husband and I are both literally laughing out loud at your choice of GIFs. Nice work, hahaha.

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  21. One good note- at least you didn't have to wait in line at the free clinic. I grew up without health insurance, so when I was really sick, my mom would take me to the free clinic. It would always take hours to see a doctor. Let's just say after a couple of times, I just sucked it up and took over the counter medicine.
    UTIs are the worst. I hope you feel better!

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  22. I have a love/hate relationship with the "free" clinic. I once had to have a more thorough exam because I had a bad pap and one of the nurses in my room that day was deaf, so not only were there two nurses and the doctor in the room, but there was a sign language translator as well. They made her stand near my head, but still. Too many people in the room for my liking.

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  23. This is great! I formed a UTI of course when my husband and I went to Catalina over night. Of course it started at 5 that night and we didn't have a way off of the island until 530 the next day. Let me tell you that was the worst pain ever.

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  24. I love how doctor's always lecture on alcohol consumption even when it's completely irrelevant to your current medical issue. And they are always so surprised when people have more than a couple drinks in one sitting...

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  25. Glad you got your antibiotics for free! I live up in Canada so our walk-in clinics are just as professional has family doctors too but it's so rare to get free antibiotics... unless you visit the youth clinics!

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  26. The whole not wearing a shirt thing but just a sweatshirt has happened to me..at the dentist (why do they need my blood pressure checked?).. I'm glad I won your giveaway so I can read your hilarious posts.

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  27. Hahaha this cracked me up. I'm at about a bottle of wine a day. I figure as long as its wine I'm a wino, not an alcoholic, right? And you're totally right about the scale. You forgot to add that since so many people use it everyday it can't possibly be calibrated.

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  28. I HATE....hoo-ha problems!! :) Seriously...i have bladder infections about every 2 months or so..it's zoo annoying. I'm at the point where I call my doctor and she says, "i'll send a prescription" over to my pharmacy...no need to come in any more, we both know what it is...and why are doctors so surprised people drink?! On a stressful week I have a wine bottle every other day...is that too much? hahaha

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  29. Haha This is hilarious! I had the same thing a couple years back, but it was much less intrusive. Just the routine pee in a cup (messy...) and a bottle full of antibiotics. None of that blood taking shirtless nonsense... awkward! Luckily with meds it'll clear up in a couple days. Take care :)

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  30. Hahaha love it. You're hilare. I love that he said we keep it professional but was in his green sweater.

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  31. Mish. You are so funny! You literally made me laugh. Especially the part where you forgot to put on a shirt! That's totally something I would do. Baha. Love you!

    -Amanda | Living in Another Language

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  32. my god, woman, you made me laugh so much. 1. i need to get back into the blogging world, you inspire me. 2. this just made me soooo freaking excited to see you in a few weeks. yes. yes. that's right. two weeks!!!! k, bye.

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  33. In the states you get a nice pee cup with a lid. In germany they give you a dixie cup and a magic marker to write your name on it. Then you pee in it and walk it into the other room where they are waiting to test it. So awkward. I get to do this once a week now.

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  34. Hahaha. But, really. That sucks. I once had three UTI's in two months. The doctor told me that I probably shouldn't have sex...

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