Wednesday, September 17, 2014

It's Like We Were 18 Again...

....except not really because I didn't drink at 18 and neither did she.

Let me rewind a little though, and this will all make sense.

As you know (or don't), The Dizzle and I drove down to Southern California last weekend to see my mom and her new house that she got with my grandparents (her mom and dad).

Here's a photo circa 2012 for reference:

Good ol' Gram Gram in all her quilt-making glory. (Just kidding, I don't call her Gram Gram. But she does make a mean quilt.)


Here are THREE things you should know about my grandparents:

1. They are devout Seventh Day Adventists.
2. They have not, will not, do not, don't want, won't ever, don't even think about it, drink alcohol.
3. Alcohol in the house (even for family gatherings) is highly frowned upon.

Now here is ONE thing you should know about my mother:

1. I once found a tiny airplane size bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream in her purse and when I asked her why she had that she replied, "Just in case I have coffee."

Well, duh.

So as we were lounging at the house on the first night, just chit chattin' away, I asked my mom if she had any wine. Because, I mean, it was Thursday night, so why wouldn't I want a glass of wine?

She gave me a look that said, "Trust me, I'd love to have a glass of wine with you right now, but you know full well that there isn't any in the house because you-know-who lives here."

She also happened to mention, when the grandparents were out of earshot (and trust me, that's not that far these days) that her sister-in-law came over the previous weekend and brought a bottle of wine as a little housewarming gift, but the only way they could drink it was when my grandparents were gone. At church. So drink it they did. The whole bottle.

Side note: Here is my grandmother, Phyllis. Let me just remind you that she NATURALLY BIRTHED EIGHT babies. That's right, EIGHT. Here she is when she had the TRIPLETS. She was telling me that in order to feed them, she'd have to prop 2 on her sides while holding another:

The fact that this woman never drank a drop of alcohol bewilders me greatly.

Moving on.

It finally came time for the grandparents to retreat to their "quarters." (Which, you know how it is with the elders, it was like 7:30pm).

I looked to my Mom and we hopped in the car and drove straight to the grocery store.

I personally just wanted a bottle of wine. But then my Mom noticed that if you buy FOUR, then you get a discount. So, naturally we wanted to save money. THEN my Mom shared that she makes a mean Mojito. And I couldn't drive all the way from San Francisco to not try her mojito!

And before we knew it, here was our shopping cart:

As we got home, I asked her how she was going to keep this in the kitchen without G&G finding out.

That's when she showed me her secret hiding spot. Her closet. In it was a fold-out little nook thing and she told me that she is officially deeming it her "liquor cabinet."

Good for you, Mom. Good. For. You.

So anyway, we drank some yummy mojitos and stashed the rest, without a stitch of evidence left behind!

I kept saying it was like we were in high school, sneaking alcohol when the parents were away. But truth be told, we both never drank in high school, so I guess.....better later than never?


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Friday, September 12, 2014

There is a method to my madness.

There is a method to my madness.

However take note, when that “method” is not shared with your significant other, then all they will see is the madness.

I have had a recent lesson learned regarding this.

Allow me to explain.

Sentences such as the following:

“The ice cube trays shouldn’t be filled up so high.”


“The dish sponge should be squeezed out when you’re done using it.”


“We should turn the fan off during dinner.” (My personal favorite.)

Can all be construed as crazy, neurotic, nitpicky, and did I mention crazy to the person you’re saying them to, especially if you say them in a slightly elevated tone paired with a “Honey!” inserted before each sentence.

The reason I know this is because it was recently brought to my attention during our 8-hour car ride to San Diego yesterday.

The Dizzle kindly mentioned (and I really do mean kindly), “I don’t know if it’s because Aunt Flo is in town, but I feel like you’ve been nitpicky a lot recently.”

Now, I’m sure the average woman in her period-induced crazy fog would be quick to gasp and say, “How DARE you say my womanhood has anything to do with my emotions!!! I am not CRAZY!!!!!” when really he said nothing of the sort, but somehow we just hear it that way because well, sometimes we can be crazy.

But, friends, I am the first to say that I am no stranger to Crazy Connie that graces our household once a month, so I was in no way offended by his hypothesis.

And after he brought up the examples of said nitpickiness, I calmly explained my reasoning behind each one.

Allow me:

1. When the ice cube trays are filled so high to the brim, the person who cracks the tray to get an ice cube out will then find themselves and the floor covered in broken ice shards to which they then quickly melt and leave little puddles on you and said kitchen floor. When they are filled to the proper height of tray, they break nicely for whomever wants a cube with no water wasted.

2. When the dish sponge doesn’t get wrung out, it then sits there in water to be then filled with mildew and bacteria to which it makes the sponge smell something foul very quickly. To which THEN said sponge must be thrown away when it could have lasted much longer. By ringing out the sponge, we can assure a much longer sponge life. Which, ultimately, if you think about it, saves money.

3. Well, obviously when the fan is blowing on us as we’re trying to enjoy a hot meal, it will then rapidly cool down the meal to a lukewarm status and really now, no one wants a lukewarm plate of spaghetti. Obviously.

So you see, I said to my dear future husband, I am merely suggesting all of these practices for the betterment of our household. I do not mean to nitpick. I can see how that can be very annoying. But I would like to think I’m a logical person and when I see a way to do something that could benefit both of us, I feel the need to share.

He then said to me that if I had just taken the time to EXPLAIN the reason behind my “suggestions,” then he would also be in the loop on how it could benefit us (as he cannot read my mind) and would be more inclined to follow said suggestion instead of thinking I was a hormonal nitpicking crazy person.

(Whoa, whoa, whoa….you can’t read my mind?!)

So I said. Huh. Great point, future husband. I can see now why that would probably be a better solution.

Soooo just to make sure we were on the same page I said, 

“So you’re saying, if I were to EXPLAIN to you that when you squeeze the toothpaste from the MIDDLE of the tube, making it deformed and dilapidated to which it makes me literally cringe on the inside every time I have to fix the tube, and that I think you should squeeze it from the BOTTOM of the tube to make it easier for ALL toothpaste users to get said paste out in a concise, quick, and clean way, then you won’t be annoyed because I gave you my logical reasoning behind it?”

Then he replied, 

“Well, I mean, in all honesty, the toothpaste thing doesn’t make sense to me because you can just squeeze wherever and out comes the paste. THEN, when it gets low, you can slide it up from the bottom of the tube. Easy as that.”

Oooh fiancé, I think this marriage thing is going to be quite fun with you. ;)


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